I spend my life describing any and everything but when I write about us, my mind just gets quie We wade in an unspoken pool of balance, time, sharing, bartering and debt. 

And we always pay our debts, one way or another; willingly. 

He makes me want to be stable after losing everything. I could have given up and continued a pattern of a rolling stone, rolling over countless small pebbles so that my trajectory, though forward moving, was anything but smooth. The coolness of my stride and the peace behind my eyes is real, but he knows I can’t do it on my own. Not anymore. 

I’m not young anymore, I’m not old either, but no one can call me a child. I was paying bills at 17, and now 20 years have passed and somewhere within this timespan, I incurred numerous petty bills, and privileged habits that I have to stop. I have to close my bank account (which in good standing), and ask him for help. 

This is not a feminist quagmire where society has bamboozled me so that I had to trust a man for support, no, this is all me. 

I had a certain lifestyle when we met and now, the scales have tipped and I’m paying quadruple the rent I had been and it is to be so, that it is time to learn, for us to both learn, how to morph me into a being who is provided for. 

I still work like a St. Barnard in the height of winter, but there is no need to diminish the fact that I have been weakend and likely for some good esoteric cause because being the breadwinner is a role I know too well. And it’s just simple quantum mechanics, I’ve subconsciously grown tired, physically; to make enough money to escape and not assume responsibility. 

If I am to assume responsibility, for this past decade, I am to stay still. My many pursuits will be tended to, when I write “stay still”, I mean stay-ble. Maybe even stay at home; as if I’ve finished a race, won three medals, and get to try something completely different after 20 years of a way of life. 

I am barefoot. Grounded. I’m starting a new bank account. I’m writing all my books, and I am deciding to receive the provision I requested the most vulnerable, honest version of myself yet.