I can feel you with the contours of my navel.

We are both concerned, feeling the same emotion.

I’m only able to write it. I barely had enough time to share that my doctor discovered a minor heart condition, or that I applied for a new apartment, and expanded my business. It wasn’t about time.I was afraid to express how exhausted I am, and how life has worn me down though I stand upright and show no signs of distress.

He thanked me for an act of vulnerability recently, so I was encouraged enough to send a couple of electronic notes, sharing my silent pain, and my sincere needs. I’ll stay home and cook. I’m that tired. Nothing feminist about it, or against it. It is just possible that I have come to need the security of a domestic life.

All the while it took hours after sending the confessions to allow myself to trust him. I don’t quite trust anyone. It is nothing against the innocent and those who love and admire me. I guess I trust him enough to ask him to help me survive. I didn’t ask to survive, I asked because I am growing tired, and I need to lean on him.

And so it goes, yet, my ambition will sit neatly in a remote form that will never disrupt the flow and peace of the house. I’ve never written or spoken like this in my life and would have never imagined it 10 years ago.

Middle age, or the dawning of it, does things to you. It can go either way: radical self reliance or surrender to a companion.

I spend my life describing any and everything but when I write about us, my mind just gets quie We wade in an unspoken pool of balance, time, sharing, bartering and debt. 

And we always pay our debts, one way or another; willingly. 

He makes me want to be stable after losing everything. I could have given up and continued a pattern of a rolling stone, rolling over countless small pebbles so that my trajectory, though forward moving, was anything but smooth. The coolness of my stride and the peace behind my eyes is real, but he knows I can’t do it on my own. Not anymore. 

I’m not young anymore, I’m not old either, but no one can call me a child. I was paying bills at 17, and now 20 years have passed and somewhere within this timespan, I incurred numerous petty bills, and privileged habits that I have to stop. I have to close my bank account (which in good standing), and ask him for help. 

This is not a feminist quagmire where society has bamboozled me so that I had to trust a man for support, no, this is all me. 

I had a certain lifestyle when we met and now, the scales have tipped and I’m paying quadruple the rent I had been and it is to be so, that it is time to learn, for us to both learn, how to morph me into a being who is provided for. 

I still work like a St. Barnard in the height of winter, but there is no need to diminish the fact that I have been weakend and likely for some good esoteric cause because being the breadwinner is a role I know too well. And it’s just simple quantum mechanics, I’ve subconsciously grown tired, physically; to make enough money to escape and not assume responsibility. 

If I am to assume responsibility, for this past decade, I am to stay still. My many pursuits will be tended to, when I write “stay still”, I mean stay-ble. Maybe even stay at home; as if I’ve finished a race, won three medals, and get to try something completely different after 20 years of a way of life. 

I am barefoot. Grounded. I’m starting a new bank account. I’m writing all my books, and I am deciding to receive the provision I requested the most vulnerable, honest version of myself yet. 

I solve problems. I’ll sit for hours, or search for several moments to bring a mystery to completion.

Today, I took a novice dive into numerology. I already knew my life path number from my studies from when I was a girl but that’s as far as I’ve gotten. Much like expanding to incorporating the moon and rising sign into one’s general sun sign readings, I learned to research my destiny and karmic debt numbers. Apparently, mother and lover have no karmic debts to pay.  It’s possible why I keep them close. No matter any flaws, their past life hands are clean. And I’ve learned that in my past life I had too much freedom, and now I need to rein it in and come home more; yet my destiny number denotes leadership, stability and stoicism while my life path number echos the free-spirit ethos my karmic debt was warning me of. 

I guess I was born with some tools to help me make a change. I am a disciplined stern leader, able to complete anything I begin, yet I hate routine. As long as I’m working on the same project in unique places, I’m good. For instance, I’m spending a month in DC while my life in Baltimore is perfectly fine. But one must think deeper, of method and logic — being strong, or influential it’s not smart to reveal a predictable pattern. I expose myself to anyone who may want to harm my body, soul, success or productivity. I am not a massively public CEO, of course,  but predictability is a trait to be taken into account when it comes to safety, accessibility, well-being and creativity. 

An artist should not do the same thing every day for years. Doesn’t matter if you have kids, or responsibilities. You can take the train to the next town for the afternoon once they’re in school to mix things up; walk around, think, get lost or find a coffee shop or library immediately and get straight to work with an entire change of scenery. There are no excuses for the creative mind. My mother and lover love adventure, sports, travel, concerts and so on. So, in that regard my brief sabbatical doesn’t seem so irresponsible. My artistry and entrepreneurialism is just a product of my nature, nonetheless, I want to be careful about making excuses.

It is important that I hold myself accountable and consider the mystic advisement so that I do not return to this world with a more severe karmic debt of stubbornness or rigidity.

I think the most important thing about working with karma and past lives is humility. You have to admit that you messed up and went a bit overboard last life and now it is your task to balance the extremes of Earthly movement and choices. For instance, I’ve worked at the same newspaper for 10 years, yet I’ve spent a massive amount of money on two chai tea lattes and splurged pastries and decadent green salad and sandwiches for lunch. I also walked 12 miles back and forth (twice) across town to go to the pharmacy because I spent too much in my daily routine.

Today, I forced myself to stay home. I hope maturity is the remedy for imbalance and karmic debt because I feel mindfulness and self-correction is key, and I don’t know, maybe it’s happened with age or I’ve lived by Kenny Rogers song, ‘You gotta know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em.’ Being a Libra keeps a natural pendulum swinging within the deepest confines of my motivations as well. 

All in all, I find that staying in was fruitful regarding self-education and accountability. 

My karmic debt must be paid, therefore, I will walk with conviction and improve over time.

Front cover art by Eden Girma, expansion of the heart

This anthology was made possible by generous support from Nancy and Joe Walker and mediaThe foundation. Support women and non-binary musicians and their stories.
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M³ Summer Solstice 2020 Cohort One Collection

FOREWORD

Last year, I was approached by acclaimed musicians and composers, Sara Serpa and Jen Shyu, to join them on their new journey as founders of Mutual Mentorship for Musicians (M³). The mission of this organization, which supports performer-composers of underrepresented gender identities, gave me an opportunity to further my personal mission of creating new spaces and platforms for voices that do not fit the traditional mold and status quo of what jazz and creative musicians should be. 

There is beauty to the act of creation. It is the opposite of destruction which degrades and pulls down the pillars of happiness, contentment, and stability. Though creation can still have its challenges,  I was intrigued to witness women and non-binary beings pour their hearts out amid the uncertainty and strain of the COVID-19 pandemic.

With this said, all of the cohort members of M³ have achieved much in their own right, but I believe that they deserve much more recognition, community and encouragement, which this organization’s important work addresses and provides.

I had the pleasure of guiding and editing the writings of this inaugural M³ cohort, which featured Eden Girma, Anjna Swaminathan, Erica Lindsay, Caroline Davis, Maya Keren, Sumi Tonooka, Lesley Mok, Romarna Campbell, Tomeka Reid, and Val Jeanty, along with Jen and Sara. These artists are not primarily known as writers, but they gave their all while contributing to this anthology, and offer insightful, intelligent and beautifully written pieces that are inspiring and mesmerizing. 

There is no glass ceiling hovering over this project and platform, and the cohort members were able to sail through the artistic and literary skies to find their voices. I could not be more pleased with the work they’ve done, and I look forward to continuing to see these human beings grow and evolve after experiencing such a healing communal safe space.

Women in jazz and creative music fight through the disparity of representation, and it takes bravery to work in such a medium and male-dominated realm. This anthology is a testament that art must prevail within the prison of other’s perceptions. They made work that pushes back and weaves stories and visions of their own perceptions and understanding of the world. I honor and thank them for their strength. – M³ Editor and Chief, Jordannah Elizabeth

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Poem, Eden Girma, ‘To speak in memory’
2. Essay, Anjna Swaminathan, ‘The Sun Itself: Expanding my Horizons as a Queer Multidisciplinary Being’
3. Prose, Erica Lindsay, ‘Sonic Creation’
4. Essay, Sara Serpa, ‘Motherhood in Music in 10 steps: The Invisible Work of Mother Musicians’
5. Poem, Caroline Davis, ‘Aretes of the New Cyrene’
6. Essay, Maya Keren, ‘Reminder to Self’
7. Essay, Sumi Tonooka, ‘Remembering Philly Joe’
8. Essay, Jen Shyu, ‘Zero Grasses and Fertility: Your Backstory Is the Real Story’
9. Essay, Lesley Mok, ‘Liberalism in Music: The Limits to Representation’
10. Essay, Romarna Campbell, ‘Stream of Consciousness’
11. Essay, Tomeka Reid, ‘Tomeka’s 5 Favorite Quarantine Recipes’
12. Essay, Val Jeanty, ‘Sonic Ritual’ Continue reading →

President Biden has made new promises to contain the COVID-19 pandemic and systemic racial divides which can undoubtedly result in releasing a new season of reassurance to the ailing and marginalized community in Harlem World and countless regions in American society, but there should be a level of patience and skepticism within our collective mind. Yes, an era of chaos, abuse, sabotage, and dishonesty has ended since the swearing-in of new power and Biden wants speaking honestly about the healing of our hearts and minds, but he can never truly understand the trauma of oppression and the terror that has been bestowed upon us as a people. Kamala Harris understands, but we must wait and see if she and the president can create solid policies that will withstand a possible entrance of a conservative administration that historically arrives after the reign of a Democrat president.

When it comes to the pace of our culture, I think of what Billie Holiday said in an interview on Night Beat with Mike Wallace in 1956. When asked about why she thinks Jazz musicians tend to die young and so early she said, “…we try to live one hundred days in one day and we try to please so many people, and we try to – like myself, I want to bend this note and bend that note, and sing this way and that way, and get all the feeling and eat all the good foods and travel all in one day, and you can’t do it.” Continue reading →

We live in a new era. The world is grappling with the presence of a dangerous pandemic and our natural course, our ingrained natures cannot fully be expressed. We have a new relationship with the concept of free will, and yet, isolation has given us the opportunity to emotionally and spiritually stretch ourselves through introspection. 

It’s difficult because we have to balance our inner work with the challenges of caregiving, parenthood, and professional and financial responsibilities all within our four walls. I’m not saying anything new. We are all connected through this very real and somber predicament and we must remember to grieve with the intention of becoming better than we once were. 

Personally, I am lucky enough to have communed with many wise women, those of different ages and ethnicities who, in an organic conversation began to recommend books to one another. The book that began this pattern of sharing was “Codependent No More” by Melody Beatty. It was helpful because we find ourselves living behind closed doors for days at a time with people we love, and it is easy to slip into a toxic cycle, and on the other hand, we also have a chance to explore our independence like never before.

Here is a compiled reading list from this circle of women who have inspired me to embrace my vulnerabilities and to look within. – je

__________________________

Cyclical Season Reading List #1
Continue reading →

As we sit in remembrance of the spiritual activism of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., America finds itself unable to reconcile the true identity of the people as we continue to be split along racial and socio-economic lines, it is important to focus on what MLK left behind: a proverbial roadmap to freedom and independence. 

Morally and practically, King thought non-violent protesting was the most sufficient way to enact resistance towards Jim Crow and legal segregation. At that time Black people were only approximately 10% of the population and held a sliver of the country’s possession of firepower, therefore, which would inevitably cause a quick demise if a race war was to be entered into.

It was also King’s goal to combat the legal system which regulated and allowed the humiliation of Black people to go mostly unchecked, protecting white supremacist attacks and terrorism towards Black people. It was in his mind to change the law, which would change the destiny of the country and his people.

We see the remnants of the ideals and understandings working today as Black people took to the polls in Georgia to overturn the senate majority from Republican to Democrat. We see this as a Black and Southeast Asian woman prepares to take her seat as Vice President.

But as political victories become more prevalent, the shadow side of our country’s vision of reality it starkly and almost immediately combatted by misguided, far right-winged, racist vigilantes who will do anything to show their disdain for the extension of power towards marginalized people by committing heinous acts like overrunning the White House, hoping to cause the stir and perform a coup to keep their white supremacist interests intact. Continue reading →

For many years, my favorite words to write were “it is of no consequence”, but as time has gone on, as I have matured and grown I realize that everything is of consequence. The choices we make, the words we share, the emotions we project create ripple effects throughout our limited Universes. I say “limited” because many times, we cannot see past our noses and navigate our affairs unaware of the lives that flow and exist in far off lands like India, Estonia, and remote villages in Africa.

The global mind is not acknowledged or encouraged in American culture – we are not taught to stretch our imaginations to fantasize about the different cultures that share our human nature but go about their tangible experiences in very different ways. The consequence is that our capacity for empathy is not tested, irritated like a metamorphosed crystal and elongated to reach the inner and outer reaches of our imprisoned souls who cannot expand without mental, emotional, and spiritual exploration.

During this technological renaissance, it can be daunting to figure out how to be kind to multitudes of beings. How can we be a good human being to everyone we encounter? How do we cultivate discipline over our emotions and desires to put other’s needs before ours? And when we contemplate these thoughts, a bigger question arises of do we want to? Do we have enough energy saved, reserved, and structured to serve those outside of our immediate purview?

How do we reconcile the rift between our public and private lives and personas? Continue reading →

A new reading list from our friends at TERSE. Journal

Grunge black and white distressed textured background

When I was traveling a couple of years ago, I sent about a quarter of my library to my mother’s house in the Rocky Mountain region. My books sat in her guestroom for a year before I called her and inquired about have them sent back to me.

I’m back to writing full time after a brief stint of teaching, and with the attainment of many writing and reporting assignments, I feel naked without my collection to help me sort through and research to hone the basis of my thesis and tones for my essays, screenplays, and stories.

Whether I’m writing about a Black women jazz musician, an ethereal novella or writing an essay to assist other writers in finding methods to smooth their literary paths, I’ve known since I was a girl that a robust library of diverse books (that only you can curate via your own tastes and literary needs) is essential to growing into a successful writer.

When I received the full list of books that are patiently waiting to be reunited with my eager and voracious fingers, palms and eyes, I thought it would be good to share some of the books I own and love.

Not many people get to see my process. I wanted to take a bit of the veil down between myself and other readers and writers to ensure that we, in even the smallest of ways, stay connected. Continue reading →