Written By Jordannah Elizabeth Graham-Mayer

A closer look at John Mayer, changing ideas of masculinity and the universal importance of bodily autonomy, masculinity, feminism and intimacy, and creating relationships grounded in mutual respect, vulnerability and equality.

We often talk about personal growth as though it happens privately, away from the expectations of the world around us. In reality, much of what we come to understand about ourselves is shaped by the conversations we have with other people, the relationships we experience, and the cultural ideas we inherit before we are old enough to question them. For men, particularly those who have grown up in the public eye, the expectations surrounding masculinity can be especially complicated. There is a performance attached to being a man that begins early, is reinforced in adolescence, and can follow someone well into adulthood. It influences how men understand intimacy, how they communicate vulnerability, how they experience rejection and, perhaps most importantly, how they understand their relationships with women.

John Mayer has spent much of his adult life navigating the intersection of celebrity, romantic relationships and public expectations. His music has frequently explored love, longing, heartbreak and the complexities of human connection. Over the years, however, his public conversations have also revealed an interest in examining the cultural expectations placed upon men. Some of those observations have been provocative, others have invited debate, but together they offer an opportunity to consider a subject that deserves considerably more thoughtful attention: what happens when a man begins to reconsider what he has been taught about being a man?

I approach this conversation as a woman who has spent years engaged in feminist thought and advocating for the rights and advancement of women and girls around the world. I also approach it as a wife, someone who understands that relationships are living experiences in which two people continue to learn about themselves and one another. My commitment to women’s equality is not separate from my understanding of marriage, love or partnership. In many ways, it informs all three. I believe that men and women have much to learn from one another, and that a meaningful conversation about gender should leave room for both honesty and compassion.

One of the more interesting moments in Mayer’s public discussion of masculinity came in 2018, when he spoke to an audience during a performance in Baltimore about what he called the male contract. His remarks addressed the expectation that men should be sexually confident, perpetually interested in women and capable of attracting virtually anyone they desire. He questioned the idea that a man’s sense of masculinity should depend upon his ability to demonstrate sexual prowess, suggesting that boys are often introduced to an unrealistic standard of manhood during adolescence.

His central observation was that men are not supposed to possess some universal ability to attract or obtain every woman they encounter. It sounds simple, but the cultural implications are considerable. Boys and young men are frequently surrounded by messages that associate masculinity with sexual achievement, dominance and an almost compulsory expression of heterosexual desire. These messages can make ordinary human experiences, including uncertainty, rejection and vulnerability, feel like personal failures.

What I found particularly interesting about Mayer’s remarks was that he seemed to be questioning the expectations themselves rather than simply asking men to become more successful at meeting them. There is a meaningful difference between encouraging men to perform masculinity more convincingly and allowing them to reconsider what masculinity should mean in the first place.

This is a conversation feminism has been having for generations, although its implications are not always discussed in ways that invite men to participate. Women have long understood that restrictive gender expectations affect everyone, even when the consequences are experienced differently. The expectation that women should be accommodating, nurturing and sexually available has historically existed alongside the expectation that men should be dominant, emotionally guarded and sexually assertive. These expectations reinforce one another, often leaving very little room for authentic human connection.

The relationship between these ideas and rape culture deserves particular consideration. Rape culture is sustained by attitudes that normalize sexual entitlement, misunderstand consent and diminish the importance of women’s autonomy. It is not simply a conversation about individual wrongdoing. It also concerns the social messages that influence how boys and men understand desire, boundaries and relationships.

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