Written By Jordannah Elizabeth Graham-Mayer
A closer look at John Mayer, changing ideas of masculinity and the universal importance of bodily autonomy, masculinity, feminism and intimacy, and creating relationships grounded in mutual respect, vulnerability and equality.
We often talk about personal growth as though it happens privately, away from the expectations of the world around us. In reality, much of what we come to understand about ourselves is shaped by the conversations we have with other people, the relationships we experience, and the cultural ideas we inherit before we are old enough to question them. For men, particularly those who have grown up in the public eye, the expectations surrounding masculinity can be especially complicated. There is a performance attached to being a man that begins early, is reinforced in adolescence, and can follow someone well into adulthood. It influences how men understand intimacy, how they communicate vulnerability, how they experience rejection and, perhaps most importantly, how they understand their relationships with women.
John Mayer has spent much of his adult life navigating the intersection of celebrity, romantic relationships and public expectations. His music has frequently explored love, longing, heartbreak and the complexities of human connection. Over the years, however, his public conversations have also revealed an interest in examining the cultural expectations placed upon men. Some of those observations have been provocative, others have invited debate, but together they offer an opportunity to consider a subject that deserves considerably more thoughtful attention: what happens when a man begins to reconsider what he has been taught about being a man?
I approach this conversation as a woman who has spent years engaged in feminist thought and advocating for the rights and advancement of women and girls around the world. I also approach it as a wife, someone who understands that relationships are living experiences in which two people continue to learn about themselves and one another. My commitment to women’s equality is not separate from my understanding of marriage, love or partnership. In many ways, it informs all three. I believe that men and women have much to learn from one another, and that a meaningful conversation about gender should leave room for both honesty and compassion.
One of the more interesting moments in Mayer’s public discussion of masculinity came in 2018, when he spoke to an audience during a performance in Baltimore about what he called the male contract. His remarks addressed the expectation that men should be sexually confident, perpetually interested in women and capable of attracting virtually anyone they desire. He questioned the idea that a man’s sense of masculinity should depend upon his ability to demonstrate sexual prowess, suggesting that boys are often introduced to an unrealistic standard of manhood during adolescence.
His central observation was that men are not supposed to possess some universal ability to attract or obtain every woman they encounter. It sounds simple, but the cultural implications are considerable. Boys and young men are frequently surrounded by messages that associate masculinity with sexual achievement, dominance and an almost compulsory expression of heterosexual desire. These messages can make ordinary human experiences, including uncertainty, rejection and vulnerability, feel like personal failures.
What I found particularly interesting about Mayer’s remarks was that he seemed to be questioning the expectations themselves rather than simply asking men to become more successful at meeting them. There is a meaningful difference between encouraging men to perform masculinity more convincingly and allowing them to reconsider what masculinity should mean in the first place.
This is a conversation feminism has been having for generations, although its implications are not always discussed in ways that invite men to participate. Women have long understood that restrictive gender expectations affect everyone, even when the consequences are experienced differently. The expectation that women should be accommodating, nurturing and sexually available has historically existed alongside the expectation that men should be dominant, emotionally guarded and sexually assertive. These expectations reinforce one another, often leaving very little room for authentic human connection.
The relationship between these ideas and rape culture deserves particular consideration. Rape culture is sustained by attitudes that normalize sexual entitlement, misunderstand consent and diminish the importance of women’s autonomy. It is not simply a conversation about individual wrongdoing. It also concerns the social messages that influence how boys and men understand desire, boundaries and relationships.
When Mayer suggests that men should not feel entitled to every woman they encounter, he touches upon an important part of that larger discussion. A woman’s autonomy is not an obstacle to male fulfillment, and rejection is not an injustice. At the same time, young men should be able to experience insecurity or disappointment without feeling that those emotions diminish their identity. We can recognize the emotional pressures placed upon men while remaining clear that women should never be expected to absorb the consequences of those pressures.
There is another dimension to this conversation that I believe deserves greater attention: the experiences of men who encounter unwanted sexual attention, harassment, stalking and violations of their personal boundaries from women. These experiences are not always discussed with the same seriousness as other forms of sexual misconduct, partly because cultural assumptions about masculinity can make it difficult for people to recognize men as vulnerable to unwanted advances or sexual aggression.
Research from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention provides important context. Its National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey has documented the experiences of male survivors of sexual violence, including sexual coercion, unwanted sexual contact and being made to penetrate someone without consent. An earlier CDC analysis found that among men who reported being made to penetrate someone, approximately 79 percent identified exclusively female perpetrators. Among men who experienced sexual coercion, approximately 82 percent reported exclusively female perpetrators. For unwanted sexual contact, the corresponding figure was approximately 53 percent.
These are important findings because they challenge the assumption that sexual aggression is exclusively a male behavior. They do not suggest that men and women experience sexual violence in identical proportions, nor do they diminish the disproportionate burden women carry. They demonstrate something more fundamental: the capacity to violate another person’s boundaries is not determined by gender. (CDC, National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey; see the perpetrator-sex analysis in the CDC’s published research.)
The CDC’s broader research also identifies men as victims of stalking, with women accounting for a substantial proportion of perpetrators in certain categories. Stalking can involve repeated unwanted communication, surveillance, following, threats and behavior that produces reasonable fear or significant emotional distress. These experiences are sometimes romanticized when the perpetrator is a woman and the victim is a man, particularly when the man is attractive, successful or famous. What might be recognized as frightening or invasive in another context can be dismissed as flattering attention.
I find that double standard worth examining.
Celebrity culture introduces another complicated element. Public figures are often approached by people who feel an unusual sense of familiarity with them. Years of listening to an artist’s music, watching an actor’s performances or following someone’s personal life can create an imagined sense of intimacy. For some admirers, that emotional connection may become confused with an expectation of personal access.
There have been documented examples of male performers experiencing unwanted physical contact from female fans. Actor Paul Mescal spoke publicly about an encounter in which a woman touched his buttocks while asking for a photograph. In 2019, video from a Jonas Brothers performance in Los Angeles showed a female audience member repeatedly attempting to touch Nick Jonas inappropriately while he performed. Security personnel intervened. These incidents are reminders that admiration does not create permission, and that public visibility does not eliminate an individual’s right to physical boundaries.
Academic research into female stalking behavior provides further historical context. Studies examining female stalkers have considered cases involving well-known men, including television personality David Letterman and actors Brad Pitt and John Cusack. The history of obsessive celebrity fixation also includes the 1949 shooting of baseball player Eddie Waitkus by a female admirer. These cases are different in their circumstances and severity, but they demonstrate that stalking and threatening behavior are not exclusive to male perpetrators.
The issue is not whether women who admire celebrities should be discouraged from expressing that admiration. Artists and performers often have deeply meaningful relationships with their audiences, even when those relationships are not personally reciprocal. The issue is understanding where admiration ends and entitlement begins. A photograph is not an invitation to touch someone. A concert performance is not an agreement to physical intimacy. An artist’s openness about romance or sexuality does not constitute consent to the public’s participation in his private life.
There is also a broader conversation to be had about wealth, social access and power. In places such as Los Angeles, where entertainment, money, influence and celebrity intersect, relationships can develop across considerable differences in economic background and social standing. Beverly Hills, West Los Angeles and other affluent communities are part of an environment in which inherited wealth, professional success, social connections and celebrity can intersect in complicated ways.
A man who has built a career through his own talent may find himself moving through social environments in which other people possess forms of inherited wealth, influence or access that he has not experienced in the same way. Those differences can shape relationships, expectations and the ways people negotiate intimacy. Women, like men, can occupy positions of considerable economic and social power within these relationships.
I think this is a subject that deserves more serious investigation, particularly within the entertainment industry. There is comparatively little public research examining how affluent women use financial resources, professional influence or social access in relationships with male public figures. It would be premature to suggest that women in particular Los Angeles neighborhoods are disproportionately responsible for stalking or abusing male celebrities. That is not an established finding. But the broader question of how wealth and social influence can affect consent and personal autonomy is entirely legitimate.
Financial generosity does not purchase intimacy. Professional influence does not create sexual obligation. Social access does not entitle someone to another person’s time, affection or body. A person’s celebrity, financial circumstances or gender should never be used to excuse conduct that would otherwise be recognized as intrusive or abusive.
This is an important extension of the discussion about masculinity. If we are asking men to reconsider the ways they understand women’s autonomy, we must also be willing to recognize the autonomy of men. Equality cannot operate selectively. We cannot celebrate a woman’s right to establish boundaries while treating a man’s boundaries as negotiable because he is attractive, successful or publicly admired.
Perhaps this is one of the more interesting contradictions in celebrity culture: the same society that can encourage men to perform desirability may struggle to recognize their vulnerability when that attention becomes unwanted. Men are allowed to enjoy admiration, but they are not required to accept physical contact. They can appreciate their audiences without surrendering their privacy. And they can be confident, successful and sexually expressive while retaining the absolute right to say no.
Mayer’s earlier public conversations about sexuality also provide context for understanding his later reflections. His 2010 Playboy interview attracted considerable attention for its candid discussion of relationships, sexual identity and his experiences with women. Some of his language, including a racialized description of his own sexual preferences, generated significant criticism, and he subsequently apologized for his use of a racial slur.
It is worth acknowledging that period of his public life, not as a permanent judgment of his character, but because it illustrates how the culture surrounding celebrity and masculinity can encourage men to present their romantic and sexual experiences in ways that may not always reflect the complexity of the people involved. Celebrity culture has historically rewarded men for being outspoken about their desirability and romantic histories. It has also encouraged a particular kind of public storytelling in which relationships become part of a man’s larger celebrity identity.
Looking back at those conversations alongside Mayer’s more recent reflections presents an interesting contrast. People change. Their understanding of intimacy, responsibility and themselves can change, too. I think it is important that we leave room for that possibility without pretending that personal development happens automatically or that earlier experiences cease to matter.
What makes the subject especially interesting is that Mayer has also expressed reservations about identifying himself with the word feminism. In a 2018 Instagram statement, he explained that he believed people could be more comfortable supporting equal rights for women than identifying as feminists. His argument centered on the idea that language can sometimes complicate a conversation about principles that should be widely shared.
I understand the point he was making, particularly in a cultural environment where political language can become so heavily contested that people lose sight of the underlying issues. There is value in finding ways to communicate across differences. However, I also believe that the history of feminism deserves to be understood rather than separated from the principle of equality it represents.
Feminism is not simply a label or a personal identity. It is a movement shaped by generations of women who challenged the laws, institutions and social expectations that restricted their lives. The rights that many women exercise today were not simply offered as a matter of goodwill. They were pursued through organizing, scholarship, political participation and considerable personal sacrifice.
Supporting equal rights for women is an important position. Understanding why those rights have historically been denied, and why inequality continues in different forms around the world, is an important part of the work that follows.
I would never suggest that a man must adopt a particular label before he can contribute meaningfully to women’s equality. People approach political and social ideas through different experiences, and sometimes a conversation begins with a question about language before it develops into a deeper examination of history and responsibility. What matters is whether the conversation continues.
For those of us who have worked in women’s and girls’ rights, the larger picture is always present. Gender equality encompasses access to education, economic independence, healthcare, political representation, freedom from violence and the right to make decisions about one’s own life. It is a global conversation that extends far beyond celebrity relationships or the personal experiences of any one man. It is also a conversation in which men have an important role, not as the central figures in women’s liberation, but as partners in building a more equitable world.
As a wife, I have come to appreciate that partnership is not about two people occupying predetermined roles. It is about creating a life in which both individuals can continue to grow. A healthy marriage allows for ambition, independence, disagreement, tenderness and change. It asks both people to recognize that love is not ownership, that commitment is not control and that understanding one another requires more than simply assuming that we already know what the other person needs.
I think this is an important part of the evolving conversation about men and relationships. The qualities traditionally associated with masculinity do not need to disappear for men to become more emotionally available. Confidence and vulnerability can coexist. Strength and tenderness can coexist. A man can be deeply comfortable with his identity while also recognizing that he has more to learn about the experiences of women.
In fact, perhaps one of the most meaningful aspects of growing older is becoming less concerned with performing an identity and more interested in living it with integrity.
For someone like Mayer, whose public life has involved years of commentary about his romantic relationships and personal experiences, the transition toward a more considered understanding of partnership is an interesting one to observe. His comments about wanting to become a husband suggest an interest in a different kind of relationship experience, one in which lasting connection carries greater significance than the pursuit of romantic attention.
Whether that aspiration ultimately translates into the kind of partnership he imagines is a private matter. But the broader conversation is worth having because it reminds us that men, too, are capable of reconsidering the expectations they have inherited.
I have never believed that feminism requires us to approach men without compassion. It does require us to remain honest about the structures that have historically privileged men and limited women. Those two positions can exist together. We can acknowledge that boys are sometimes given an inadequate emotional vocabulary without minimizing the experiences of girls who grow up navigating unequal expectations. We can welcome conversations about men’s vulnerability while insisting that women’s boundaries be respected. We can appreciate a man’s willingness to reconsider his understanding of masculinity without expecting women to applaud every step of that process.
I also think there is value in recognizing that conversations about gender are rarely finished in a single interview, speech or declaration. They develop over time, often through experiences that challenge our assumptions. A public figure may begin by questioning one aspect of masculinity and eventually discover that the question extends into relationships, family, marriage, fatherhood and the way he understands the world around him.
Mayer’s comments about the male contract offer a starting point for considering those possibilities. His thoughts about feminism raise additional questions about the language through which equality is discussed. His more recent reflections on marriage introduce another dimension: the possibility that partnership can become a place where some of these ideas are practiced rather than simply discussed.
I find that possibility worth approaching with interest and goodwill, while recognizing that the most meaningful changes are often the ones that happen away from public attention.
Ultimately, I do not think the future of masculinity depends upon men becoming someone entirely different. It depends upon their ability to recognize that they have choices about the kind of men they wish to be. They can choose respect over entitlement, communication over assumption, partnership over possession and curiosity over defensiveness. They can understand that women’s independence is not a threat to their own fulfillment, and that equality makes room for richer, more honest relationships.
And perhaps this is where the conversation becomes less about John Mayer as a celebrity and more about the possibilities available to men generally.
We should be able to discuss masculinity without making men feel that they must surrender their identities, just as we should be able to discuss feminism without asking women to soften the history of their struggle. We should make room for men to grow, for women to speak openly about their experiences, and for relationships that are built upon mutual recognition rather than inherited expectations.
For me, the most interesting question is not whether a man is comfortable calling himself a feminist, or whether he can articulate the problems associated with traditional masculinity. It is whether he becomes increasingly capable of seeing women as complete individuals, with their own ambitions, boundaries, histories and aspirations.
That is a lifelong understanding, not a public declaration.
And it is one of the more worthwhile things we can continue learning from one another.
Selected bibliography and further reading
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2010–2012 State Report. Research on sexual violence, coercion, stalking and perpetrator characteristics. CDC research.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: Reports and Publications. NISVS research library.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Stalking. Definitions, prevalence and consequences of stalking victimization. CDC stalking information.
- Bureau of Justice Statistics. Morgan, R. E., and Truman, J. L. (2022). Stalking Victimization, 2019. BJS report.
- National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Statistics in Depth. NSVRC.
- These Boots are Made for Stalking: Characteristics of Female Stalkers. Academic research examining female stalking behavior and public-figure victimization.
- Saunders, R., and Wainwright, S. L. (2008). Prosecuting Celebrity Stalkers. In Stalking, Threatening, and Attacking Public Figures: A Psychological and Behavioral Analysis. Oxford University Press.
- The Guardian (2023). Paul Mescal’s account of being groped by a female fan during a photograph encounter.
- The Independent (2019). Coverage of unwanted touching directed at Nick Jonas during a Jonas Brothers concert.
- United Nations Population Fund. Gender Equality. UNFPA.
- United Nations. 16 Ways You Can Stand Against Rape Culture. UN Women.
